So I’m sitting on the floor in Albi’s room (as usual) going through the same old routine of good Dad / bad Dad / just try to relax mate / go the fuck to sleep.
While I have such ample time on my hands I thought I’d share my summary of the book that was tonight’s fare:
“The story of Babar, the little elephant”
Now I remember watching Babar as a kid myself on ABC before we had more than two channels to choose from (I grew up in country Vic). It was, by all reckonings, a pretty tame and young – child friendly show. In fact I remember it being pretty bloody boring to tell you the truth.
Well my furry friends, I could not be more wrong!
In fact, this seemingly innocuous little grey elephant is what most members of polite society would call a “twisted little fuck”
Let me give you my take on the story. 😎
Babar starts off his life in the jungle with the rest of his elephant posse. No surprises there. Being an elephant and doing elephant stuff. Happy days.
At some stage (I think our copy has a few pages missing) he ends up in the big smoke living with an old lady who caters to his every whim and treat him like the son she never had. Kinda weird but hey, who am I to judge. He drives the car around town. He does exercises with the old duck in the mornings. He has a private tutor and learns acedemia and the ways of man. He ragales the old ladies friends with stories of the jungle at night. He wears a fucking 3 piece suit, shiny black shoes and a bowler hat for christ’ sake. Something’s not sitting quite right with me now.
He still misses the old crew back in the jungle though, and has moments of sadness. Which I can understand, poor bugger.
One day a couple of young elephants, stark naked, (as in they don’t have any clothes on and definitely no hat or shiny shoes) come strolling into town. Would you believe it just happens to be Babar’s little COUSINS (upper-case for a reason – read later) Authur and Celeste! What a fucking coincidence!
Babar is obviously stoked to see his little amigos, and goes on a mission to get them all kitted out in some new threads. They then, naturally, head out to smash some serious human cuisine as elephants do….not. Pretty assumptive of big cuz if you ask me.
Meanwhile back in the jungle things are motoring along nicely until the almighty king of the elephants goes and eats a “poisonous” mushroom and kicks the bucket. Dickhead. Seriously, how can you lead a whole kingdom of elephants for so long and not know the difference between a deadly and a magic mushie? #hasleadershipqualities
The very next page has the remaining elders deliberating on selecting the new king after what must have been the fastest funeral in history. Odd customs some animals have..
And what do you know, just as this heavy discussion is in progress, who happens to blow back into town after years of absence? Yep, big nuts Babar and his trusty sidekicks Authur and Celeste . In their car. And their suits. Like a trio of drug dealers coming home to the trailer park for xmas.
The deemed wisest dude in the herd, a wrinkly old fucker named Cornelius, motions for Babar to be crowned the new king because he has a car, sharp clothes and has, get this, “learnt so much from the world of men”. The rest of the herd, in true herd mentality, think this is just bloody perfect and Babar is proclaimed king. Unbelievable. Why the hell would anything to do with the the world of man be beneficial to the effective rule of a herd of elephants? This had me frowning and wondering if I should be pulling the pin and choosing another book.
But before he would start his reign and everybody could live happily ever after, newly crowned Babar had one more surprise up his sleeve.
He proudly announced that on the car ride in from town, he and HIS LITTLE COUSIN Celeste had gone and GOTTEN ENGAGED!
Now I don’t know how much crack they had been smoking and how high Babar still was, but in what time, place or children’s book is it normal that the main character marries his little cousin. And every one in the story is ok with it?? Holy shit. I’m literally dumbstruck by now and can barely read the rest of the story, which thankfully is nearly done.
It wraps up with a huge (presumably incestuous) party where everyone dances throughout the night in celebration of the new King and Queen. As the sun rises, the happy couple head off in an air balloon – yes a fucking air balloon – on the search for more adventures. What about ruling your herd you ungrateful bastard? You have just been made king, married your cousin and are now jet-setting to far flung places in your search for hedonism.
I don’t know what you all think, but I for one think Babar is a sick, twisted, ungrateful, egotistical prick that not only deserves to be stripped of his kingdom, but definitely does not warrant a book to be written about his life.
Tomorrow night I think I’ll just look for a picture book 😂