I just realised that I haven’t posted anything of substance for quite some time sorry guys.
This time of year is particularly tough from about September onwards. Grace’s birthday, my birthday, Renee’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, Xmas, new years.
So basically my life for the last 4 months of the year is a rollercoaster of emotions; frantic highs and empty, hollow lows. Sometimes together, sometimes one after the other, always inevitable.
After the desperate sadness and disbelief that immediately follows loss, this is grief in all it’s fucked up glory as the months and years tick by. Up and down, up and down..
As I’ve mentioned before, my lows consist largely of apathy with a side order of irritability. Occasionally I like to throw in some random anxiety to mix things up. Once in a while I even manage the quadrella and nail it shut with a dose of sadness to boot.
This is the main reason I haven’t penned anything meaningful lately. Not that I don’t lay awake at night mulling over topics and semi writing articles in my mind. Nor have I lost the passion to share my journey to try and help others. Nothing so deep and concerning I’m afraid.
Some days I wake up and feel like I just can’t be fucked doing life. I lay there on these particular mornings, staring at the ceiling in muted dread, and spend what usually equates to way too much time, working out how easily I can get the day to pass as quickly and hassle free as I possible. Then I get up and blame it on the kids for running late 🙁
Not that this happens every day. Remember I said I also have frantic highs? They are awesome! Sort of like when that 4th drink hits your brain and before the 7th brings it all crashing down. Life is good. I am stupidly happy. I am the entertainer, the God of all things fun and humourous. I am love, light and the epitome of happiness.
With so many poignant dates crammed closely together at this time of year, these happy times get brushed under the rug pretty quickly by the impending doom and gloom of celebrating yet another special day without my baby here.
So I just want to take this opportunity to ask you all to bear with me as I try to smash the end of this year out of the park. I promise I will keep posting my mixed up journey as it happens or is remembered. I actually have 3 semi finished articles waiting for me to have a run of good days to knock them off but, you know, we’ll see how it pans out.
As usual, peace, love and mungbeans y’all ✌️