t’s been (only) a little of over 2 years since I lost my sweetheart. Not very long in the grand scheme of things, yet some days it seems an eternity has passed since those horrible final days.
I honestly don’t ever want to “get over it”, that to me (at this stage) would insinuate a sense of forgetting, of moving on. And I know that is never going to happen. Right now I prefer “moving forward”. Which is inevitable really, considering old father time marches on regardless.
I am super proud of this blog that I have started, and have had some really meaningful contact with others, both male and female, that are going through this parenting gig solo. Every message I receive has been positive and totally validates my decision to bare all and keep posting my day to day life as a solo Dad.
Just recently, however, a question(s) has arisen from varied sources that, I guess, is also inevitable:
Have you thought about space for new love? For another woman in your life? How do you feel about attention from women? Do you think you’ll ever be ready?
In short, yes. At length (at the risk of shooting myself into he foot), not yet.
So I’ll do my best to explain my position.
I am lonely. Lonely for the company of a woman. Lonely for the companionship of a best friend. Lonely for the sharing of the minutiae that happens every day. I yearn for the touch, the sound, the smell, the very presence of a partner in this life. I know I am not to spend the rest of this life alone.
What plagues me is the certain knowledge that to manufacture / actively seek a relationship with another woman right now would essentially be unfair. Unfair to her, and me, let alone the kids!
Why you ask? Why indeed..
If may sound pathetic or even selfish, but my heart still belongs to Renee. Not just in love, but in life. My ideals, my decisions, our day to day life still very much include Renee in every sense.
I feel that I would be trying, subconsciously or otherwise, to recreate the relationship that I have lost, to reform the habits of our happy marriage, to emulate the interactions of our perfectly synchronised relationship and friendship.
And as much as I tried not to, I would also be drawing subconscious mental comparisons to Renee at every step.
Which is not fair to anyone.
This is all before I even contemplate how integrating another person, their life, beliefs, values, parenting styles, dreams and emotions, into our lives could possibly work. And that’s not taking into account their opinions or the feelings and opinions of the kids! (I can’t even raise the topic with Grace without her losing her shit)
So you can see, that with everything else that I have to deal with both logistically and emotionally as a solo parent forging ahead through grief, that this is just far too much to contemplate right now and unfortunately for me, not as important as happy and healthy children with a happy dad.
That is not to say that I am not open to the concept, it’s just going to have to slap me in the face, organically occur and feel right from the get go. It’s just not something to manufacture or convince myself of.
A big ask I know, but I truly believe that if it is meant to happen, it will. And I will know.
So as much as it sucks balls to be lonely, it is the only fair and honest thing to do at the moment, for me, my children and everyone.
Stupid fucking conscience. ✌️