Last night I watched Grace, aged 9, take on her first full-on adults rollercoaster at Dreamworld. She loved it of course and is now planning her assault on the new death-trap spew-machine at Movie world (I hate rides).
Not one to miss out on momentous occasions, Albi’s recent growth spurt meant that he was finally tall enough to have a crack on the ubiquitous dodgem cars. He too was one happy little man after we rammed his sister numerous times after lining up for another go.
Clearly not as memorable an occasion as graduation days, wedding days or wiping-their-own-bum days, but memorable none the less.
Which made me happily sad, if that’s possible?
And it made me realise that this is just how life goes from here on in. Up and down like an emotional yo-yo.
Sure it is to be expected to be down in the dumps in the lead up to and on special days, but the added layer is now the guilt, sadness and longing associated with happy and aforementioned memorable moments. The “you should have been here for this” kinda moments.
These times are particularly disarming as they are usually random and unexpected. It’s happened to me while driving home from school singing old faves with the kids, snuggled in bed on a Saturday morning and even while eating a simple mid week dinner at home.
Those “happy family” moments – but we’re one short. Which is the trigger of course.
Not that it doesn’t render all happy times into blubbering sessions, but more like it takes the shine off, or gives pause to the moment. Nothing dreadful but not the normal or expected experience.
There is, however, an upside to this new mode of life; when these situations arise, it indirectly forces me to acknowledge the moment as one worthy of remembering. Which in turn heightens the joy and love of the experience itself by the very fact that I am uber present in said moment. (fuck that was a wordy sentence sorry, but I don’t know how else to explain it!)
So could it be that even in the absence of her presence, Renee’s passing is also helping me be more mindful of feeling happy or content? #mindfuck
Well that’s how I like to think of it anyway. Still here, in her own special way, helping us be a a happy little family. Bless her cotton socks. ♥
Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to go through hardship to be reminded that life is to be enjoyed? That happiness and peace can be found in the everyday? That a moment, indeed life, is fleeting and unexpected and demands we pay attention lest we miss all that it could give?