Home Everyday Life Being happily sad

Being happily sad

by admin

Last night I watched Grace, aged 9, take on her first full-on adults rollercoaster at Dreamworld. She loved it of course and is now planning her assault on the new death-trap spew-machine at Movie world (I hate rides).

Not one to miss out on momentous occasions, Albi’s recent growth spurt meant that he was finally tall enough to have a crack on the ubiquitous dodgem cars. He too was one happy little man after we rammed his sister numerous times after lining up for another go.

Clearly not as memorable an occasion as graduation days, wedding days or wiping-their-own-bum days, but memorable none the less.

Which made me happily sad, if that’s possible?

And it made me realise that this is just how life goes from here on in. Up and down like an emotional yo-yo.

Sure it is to be expected to be down in the dumps in the lead up to and on special days, but the added layer is now the guilt, sadness and longing associated with happy and aforementioned memorable moments. The “you should have been here for this” kinda moments.

These times are particularly disarming as they are usually random and unexpected. It’s happened to me while driving home from school singing old faves with the kids, snuggled in bed on a Saturday morning and even while eating a simple mid week dinner at home.

Those “happy family” moments – but we’re one short. Which is the trigger of course.

Not that it doesn’t render all happy times into blubbering sessions, but more like it takes the shine off, or gives pause to the moment. Nothing dreadful but not the normal or expected experience.

There is, however, an upside to this new mode of life; when these situations arise, it indirectly forces me to acknowledge the moment as one worthy of remembering. Which in turn heightens the joy and love of the experience itself by the very fact that I am uber present in said moment. (fuck that was a wordy sentence sorry, but I don’t know how else to explain it!)

So could it be that even in the absence of her presence, Renee’s passing is also helping me be more mindful of feeling happy or content? #mindfuck

Well that’s how I like to think of it anyway. Still here, in her own special way, helping us be a a happy little family. Bless her cotton socks. ♥

Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to go through hardship to be reminded that life is to be enjoyed? That happiness and peace can be found in the everyday? That a moment, indeed life, is fleeting and unexpected and demands we pay attention lest we miss all that it could give?

Great indeed…

✌️

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13 comments

Rhonda Daly November 12, 2017 - 11:28 am

Yes you are sad and probably will be for awhile. You are a great dad and she knew that those kids would be loved. Its so sad hearing this as i was married for 18 years without respect and love. My children as older girls wish they had a happy family. It must be hard i cant imagine. You are lucky you had true love . Embrace the memories and one day hopefully someone will have your heart again . I think your wife would want you to be happy again one day❤️

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Sim Dunstan November 12, 2017 - 11:30 am

Your words resonate on so many level #justadad
‍‍

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Just A Dad November 12, 2017 - 11:39 am

In a good way I hope 🙂

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Sim Dunstan November 12, 2017 - 11:45 am

Just A Dad
Absolutely! Sure makes one think about savouring all the ‘moments’
Enjoy Thailand – you are so deserving of this trip, leave the ‘guilt baggage’ behind & remember to enjoy your ‘moments’ ☺️
Safe Travels

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Lisa Valerie Woods November 12, 2017 - 12:57 pm

I relate so much to most of that, though my son is a lot younger than your kids. He’s 2 & we lost my mum earlier this year. There are so many mixed emotions that arise everyday, so many trigger points. Most of your posts have me in a blabbering mess because I just relate so much. You’re doing a good job, single/solo parent life is hard. I’ve done it the whole time I’ve been a mum, doesn’t make it any easier. But yeah you’re doing a great job! Renee is definitely with you guys in her own special way!

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Just A Dad November 12, 2017 - 7:45 pm

Thanks Lisa. I must remember to write some posts that will hopefully make people smile instead of cry!

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Lisa Valerie Woods November 12, 2017 - 9:54 pm

Just A Dad If this is what helps you deal with everything then keep it up. As much as everyone needs a laugh now and then. I’m easy to make cry these days lol
I cry with relief I guess that I’m not alone. 🙂

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Cristy Jacka November 12, 2017 - 7:38 pm

Spot on!!
It’s the little moments that get me the hardest as it’s random and usually it an “us” thing, we usually did this or you always did that.
Looks like I’ll be a blubbering mess on our big bucket list trip at Christmas

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Just A Dad November 12, 2017 - 7:43 pm

I hope you enjoy the trip Cristy! I think I’ve reached a point where I’m not necessarily blubbering at these times. More like a sad smile to myself as I think how much she would have loved to be here for that moment. x

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Michael J Hawkes November 12, 2017 - 9:09 pm

Thanks for sharing mate.

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Rebecca Elliott-Brand November 12, 2017 - 10:50 pm

Beautifully sad Chris You are doing an amazing job with your munchkins. I have watched you grow so much through all of this and i know Renee is always around you smiling and giggling at you. You have the ultimate blend of the mum and dad thing happening and so do your little ones. This tragedy, through you, has helped multiple grieving family units to be open and honest and true to themselves. You are helping others heal as you heal. I am so proud of you Never feel guilty for giving your children a beautiful life and remember in those moments of “you should be here for this”….that you are feeling a presence in that moment because she is ” here for this” xxxx

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Just A Dad November 12, 2017 - 11:40 pm

Thanks Rebecca Elliott-Brand – humbling words x

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Elle Marie November 13, 2017 - 6:41 am

Beautifully said!

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