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Mourning guilt

by admin

I haven’t cried in quite some time. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Doesn’t really matter I guess, as long as I don’t bottle everything up and explode in spectacular fashion one day while at a school function or kids birthday party .

But out of nowhere, tonight, I did.

Well not nowhere exactly, but it was a sudden onset and totally out of left field. You see I was logged into Renee’s email trying to find some information and, in my search, chanced upon an email thread where my usually un-sneaky wife (she couldn’t hide a secret for the life of her) was conspiring with my family about my 40th birthday celebrations back in 2014.

I was simply skimming the contents when I found some humbling and beautiful words she had written about me and what I meant to her. It was as if I could hear her voice, something I haven’t heard for so long, in the words printed on the screen before me.

And it floored me – in more ways than one. I felt humbled by her endearing words. I was overcome by the same desperate sadness I remember so vividly after she passed. I immediately felt the dreadful hollowness of being alone, of never being able to have exactly what I once did, again. The tears flowed and I felt terrible guilt course through every fibre.

Guilt that I hadn’t thought or felt these things for some time. Guilt that I had seemingly forgone these feelings in the pursuit of normality and, dare I say it, happiness. Guilt that I wasn’t upset until I read the words. Guilt that I’m here and not her. Guilt that I couldn’t fix her.

Just a whole fucking heap of feeling like a right prick for not mourning as maybe I should still be doing.

Now I know that grief is a journey without end, and that the journey is as different for every individual just as there are no two snowflakes the same. But there are commonalities in everyone’s journey, and guilt is definitely one of them.

And it’s a tricky bastard this guilty feeling. Ill definable, sporadic and hard to articulate without sounding like a pessimistic child, it is one of the few feelings that hit hard and fast, and leave you stunned and questioning everything. It has a cunning ability to dredge up every thought or decision you’ve made in the past and often lingers long after the initial anxiety has past. And it provides no answers, just more questions.

It’s basically just fucked.

And like everything else in life, it too passes, albeit slowly sometimes. But it serves as a reminder – like a hammer to my kneecap type reminder, that there is more to losing a loved one than the anticipated sadness, loneliness and longing. That there are no answers, no solutions or no ways to manipulate the grief journey.

It just has to happen. However it pans out, I just have to trust that I’ll be ok.

For now, however, in a weird kinda way I’m glad it happened. It’s comforting to know I still care. It feels good to connect with deep emotions, to acknowledge things I perhaps have ignored lately in lieu of more superficial pursuits.

And contrary to popular belief, guys do like a good old sob every now and then, even if they don’t admit it. It’s cleansing. Healing. Normal.

Even writing this all down has been cathartic and I feel lighter already.

So I guess I should say thanks Renee, still helping me out after all these years. Bless. ♥

✌️

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31 comments

Tanny Plusepictribe February 1, 2018 - 11:20 am
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Heidi Hore February 1, 2018 - 11:22 am

Don’t feel guilty. Just because you haven’t cried in a while, doesn’t mean that you don’t still care. Other things in life get in the way of remembering all the time. My dad has been gone for almost 24 years and there are times that I find myself feeling bad as somethings are fuzzy, but then I still have a good cry every now and then. Finding those words written by Renee is a blessing!

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 11:29 am

True ♥️

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Rhonda Daly February 1, 2018 - 11:24 am

You are human. This just shows the bond and love with her. You are doing a great job❤️

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Marty Moran February 1, 2018 - 11:25 am

Love reading your posts. So real. You are helping others more than you know!

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 11:29 am

Hope so mate 🙂

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Matt Collopy February 1, 2018 - 11:26 am

Sob away Marty! Your words are inspiring

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 11:28 am

Thanks mate

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Patric Green February 1, 2018 - 11:29 am

This is so heavy it’s real, and there’s a distinct beauty in it, as well a tragedy. It tells me after reading it that there is no answer at times; just a silence and the sense of your own conviction and standard in times of hardship. It’s something created by every feeling imaginable, every possibility…something each of us know in our own way, yet there are no words to even come close in description.

Keep going…

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 11:30 am

Beautifully penned Patric. Thankyou.

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Tania Carstein February 1, 2018 - 11:29 am

<3 <3 <3 <3

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Melissa Arch February 1, 2018 - 11:35 am

Marty your writing is incredible. I was completely drawn to that moment with you and how you felt and it made me remember how much she adored you. This happened for a reason and Renee is definitely still there for you. So glad you are sobbing..healing.❤️

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 7:43 pm

Thanks lovely x

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Cindy Banks February 1, 2018 - 11:35 am

Made me cry , just beautiful x

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Rebbecca Duncan February 1, 2018 - 11:39 am

Totally relate to this thank you for this post reminds me I’m not alone.

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Nicole Asher February 1, 2018 - 11:41 am

Beautiful words Chris. She’s still working her magic on you xx

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Jessica Deveny February 1, 2018 - 11:44 am

Sometimes things like this come out of the blue because in that moment she was subtlety moving u to read that email…to feel that sadness and also to remember how loved u were and are xx u will never walk alone!!!

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Manda Karran February 1, 2018 - 11:50 am

I listen to music that makes me cry when I get anxiety.. it’s a great relief when you can just let all your emotions flow .. good for you ❤️

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Michael J Hawkes February 1, 2018 - 12:07 pm

Mate, I know it’s easy for me to say, but you shouldn’t feel guilt, you’re living in the now, raising two great kids on your own. What happened tonight proves you are human just like the rest of us. Every now and then we are entitled to to have a moment to ourselves, and how you deal with it to get through the day is how you deal with it, no right or wrong, just what feels right. Thank you for sharing mate.

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Just A Dad February 1, 2018 - 7:44 pm

Thanks for the vote of confidence Michael 🙂

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Karen Shift February 1, 2018 - 12:24 pm

Ah, the guilt phase…. yep it is just fucked and yep it’s part of the process.
Why didn’t I this and why couldn’t I that.
It tears you up. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve got this Marty.

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Lara Ryan February 1, 2018 - 12:39 pm

Ahhh, the pursuit of normality and happiness, it does keep you distracted…..until it doesn’t.

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Tegan Bell February 1, 2018 - 4:28 pm

You have a way with words ❤️

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Suzi Qu February 1, 2018 - 7:46 pm
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Dianne Steele February 1, 2018 - 8:16 pm

I’m glad you can share with us out here xxx

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Jaclyn Bates February 1, 2018 - 8:22 pm

Of course you still care. Glad you’re feeling better after having a cry. A bit of saltwater fixes everything.

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Vanessa Michelle Jennings February 1, 2018 - 8:57 pm

Lobe your blogg chris…..life is gor living….and loving in what ever form we can because, in my opinion, grief and tears ate just another way of ecpressing iur unwaivering love. Keep writing….I will keep reading

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Cassie Lole February 1, 2018 - 8:57 pm
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Julie L Alessi February 1, 2018 - 9:38 pm

It’s beautiful to cry I cry all the time.❤️

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Henrik Pagh February 2, 2018 - 2:04 am

Amazing words and feelings Marty! Love ya mate.

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Natalie Graeber February 4, 2018 - 9:40 am

Wow so true x it’s the small things that brings back the hardest memories I heard a song the other day that I haven’t heard for ages and I reminded me of my deceased sister and I had to stop the car and have a massive cry life is so unfair and one day we will understand why these thing happen to good people

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