Things seem to be motoring along nicely at the moment, albeit a little too quickly. But I guess that is a conundrum of age; the older you get the faster time seems to go.
Anyhoo, I have had some random occasions of late that have given me pause as to my current state of being. And the end result of the ensuing sleepless ponderings has left one question festering in the mad monkey upstairs:
“Am I truly moving forward or I am I not dealing with things yet?”
Deep shit hey, but nonetheless a reality.
Most days I feel like I’m ontop of this life thing, semi-ontop of this raising children thing and quasi-ontop of this grief thing after losing Renee.
It appears that just when I think I am on a discernible path to happiness, something slaps my bitch-ass sideways as if to remind me that there is whole heap of shit I need to deal with that I either haven’t considered before or have simply ignored.
Am I ignoring the evils lurking beneath in the false hope they will wane with time and be forgotten? Or am I assuming that there are phantom issues that need addressing before happiness can befall me? Or am I, in fact, actually moving forward and this is some form of guilt-fuckery?
Now I’m not going to bore you with detail of individual case studies that may enlighten you as to exactly what this means. Nor am I going to pretend that I am eloquent enough to provide some astute psycho-babble that explains my thought process.
I will say, however, that it sucks arse.
Is this just part of the grief journey? Is this normal? Is this real, right or wrong? Or is this just the ramblings of a worn out, half pissed solo Dad? Whatevs, the point I am trying to make is that I’m pretty sure this is normal.
The unanswerable question of whether we are wrongly repressing our feelings or are effectively dealing with our circumstance. And I use the word unanswerable because, as we all know, every journey is different and there are no sweeping solutions. Likewise with my use of the word effectively, as in who can truly qualify what is effective?
Wow – I just read that and pretty much confused myself 😂😂
Thus is the catch 22 of moving forward from loss; the eternal questioning of one’s journey with grief, and indeed life as a whole.
So move along I do. Sometimes in trepidation, frequently in slow motion; and yes, often happily. But one thing is certain: that pesky thing we humans call “time” does not simply pause for one to ponder and adjust for such trivialities, so forward motion is inevitable.
And whether or not I am doing it right matters little in the end, as long as I look forward.
Just. Keep. Moving. 🐠
(couldn’t help myself 😂)