Home Everyday Life Moving forward or not dealing?

Moving forward or not dealing?

by admin

Things seem to be motoring along nicely at the moment, albeit a little too quickly. But I guess that is a conundrum of age; the older you get the faster time seems to go.

Anyhoo, I have had some random occasions of late that have given me pause as to my current state of being. And the end result of the ensuing sleepless ponderings has left one question festering in the mad monkey upstairs:

“Am I truly moving forward or I am I not dealing with things yet?”

Deep shit hey, but nonetheless a reality.

Most days I feel like I’m ontop of this life thing, semi-ontop of this raising children thing and quasi-ontop of this grief thing after losing Renee.

It appears that just when I think I am on a discernible path to happiness, something slaps my bitch-ass sideways as if to remind me that there is whole heap of shit I need to deal with that I either haven’t considered before or have simply ignored.

Am I ignoring the evils lurking beneath in the false hope they will wane with time and be forgotten? Or am I assuming that there are phantom issues that need addressing before happiness can befall me? Or am I, in fact, actually moving forward and this is some form of guilt-fuckery?

Now I’m not going to bore you with detail of individual case studies that may enlighten you as to exactly what this means. Nor am I going to pretend that I am eloquent enough to provide some astute psycho-babble that explains my thought process.

I will say, however, that it sucks arse.

Is this just part of the grief journey? Is this normal? Is this real, right or wrong? Or is this just the ramblings of a worn out, half pissed solo Dad? Whatevs, the point I am trying to make is that I’m pretty sure this is normal.

The unanswerable question of whether we are wrongly repressing our feelings or are effectively dealing with our circumstance. And I use the word unanswerable because, as we all know, every journey is different and there are no sweeping solutions. Likewise with my use of the word effectively, as in who can truly qualify what is effective?

Wow – I just read that and pretty much confused myself 😂😂

Thus is the catch 22 of moving forward from loss; the eternal questioning of one’s journey with grief, and indeed life as a whole.

So move along I do. Sometimes in trepidation, frequently in slow motion; and yes, often happily. But one thing is certain: that pesky thing we humans call “time” does not simply pause for one to ponder and adjust for such trivialities, so forward motion is inevitable.

And whether or not I am doing it right matters little in the end, as long as I look forward.

Just. Keep. Moving. 🐠
(couldn’t help myself 😂)

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Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 9:46 am

One foot in front of the other, and remember to breathe….

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 9:57 am

Do you think that professional counselling could possibly help with sorting out thoughts and hidden feelings to help you “move along” in a more structured manner?

I always used to “smile” at the idea of professional counselling, until i actually enjoyed the benefits of it.

Just A Dad May 29, 2018 - 10:02 am

It’s a possibility mate, although I am quite ok with my motion at this stage. I just wanted to pop up what I believe is a common theme. I am certainly open to professional help if I find myself in an untenable situation and actually feel supported and empowered simply knowing that such services are available. Thanks for the suggestion 🙂

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 10:04 am

I think it’s the day to day routine of life that gets us through grief … as much as we want the merry go round to stop and let us really feel the sadness , life chirps along and makes us step up and contribute whether we really want to or not … deep internalizing is not always a productive pastime I have found

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 10:10 am

I definitely can relate to this feeling ! I lost my baby daughter 5 years ago and when that really intense grief lessons over time ( however long that is fir diff people ) and day to day life is happening at full pace and you don’t always have time to stop and ponder I quiet often think is that it have I worked through the grief ? Up until just recently I always had a feeling that I would have a complete melt down like something’s still not dealt with !

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 10:11 am

What does moving on in the right way really mean? I think your doing a great job. Your a great Dad.
We all grieve and move on in our own way. I honestly think the more you push yourself the worse it will turn out. ‍♀️ I’m no quack that’s just my opinion.

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 10:21 am

You are doing an amazing job! We all deal with grief, life and everything in our ways…. It’s a roller coaster of feelings and emotions… A few highs and lots of lows…up and down… Some days I feel bullet proof .., other days I’m drowning…

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 11:07 am

Natassia Wheeler you might enjoy this particular post, and the account in general if you are not already a fan xx

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 7:44 pm

Wow, yes, this is me. My brain. My lack of awareness of it I am actually coping with my grief or just moving through life’s motions. X

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 11:29 am

I think you are doing a fantastic job as a dad. Yes the kids probably feel the loss absolutely. You are there for them and talk to them about their loss also. I am not in your shoes, however i think your wonderful wife will be wishing that some day alway hold her in your memories but she would want you to find love again one day when you are ready. I did not have a great marriage but my story is nothing to do with this, however as a woman if i had what you guys had i would say yes mourn but move on and not feel guilty about finding love again. As long as you choose a wonderful woman again the kids will love her like you one day will when that time comes. I know you will always tell them memories. But this is at your pace and don’t judge yourself. You are doing a amazing job

Anonymous May 29, 2018 - 1:58 pm

Being a solo parent also, I have had a lot of these feelings and I think it’s normal. I do have a counsellor but I haven’t seen her for a few months. My daughter goes to the National Centre for Childhood Grief and she is now in their group counselling session. At the same time they run a parent group, I have found these very helpful. I have learnt that my feelings are totally normal in the journey of grief. Today I had a feeling of jealousy but also full happiness. It is my parents 53th wedding anniversary, I was jealous that they have had so many years (we only had 5 1/2 years) but I was also so so happy for them.

Nik Walker October 8, 2018 - 7:21 am

I lost my wife a year ago and a week doesn’t go by where some random thing will remind me of her and reduce me to a gibbering wreck. I go to counselling weekly and my two young sons have separate counselling to help with their loss, but some days I do worry that I’m never going to move through this and that I’ll never be the father my boys need right now because I’m still crippled by everything that has happened. That is what keeps me awake at night – how do I get past this and if I do, how do I do so without betraying my wife’s memory? Maybe I don’t want to get past this…? Man, being a dad is hard enough without this rattling around inside my head everyday. Thank god a friend recommended this site to me. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one….

admin October 11, 2018 - 4:10 pm

Glad you can find some solice in my words Nik – yeah the whole grief thing is a mind melt without the pressures of raising kids as well. Don’t be a stranger!


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