Had a good day if I was to be honest. Nothing stressful, no frustrations, no ‘trigger’ moments. But come early afternoon, I was starting to get that all too familiar can’t-be-fucked-with-it feeling.
You know the one. It starts with the subconscious ignoring of things that need to be done. You make yourself busy with pointless minutiae. You decide to just chill for a few minutes, which turns into hours.
You pick up a book or flick on the TV, but nothing holds your interest. The kids ask you for something and rather than fight, you just agree. Little things start to annoy you; attempts at conversation, questions, stupid ads, airbrained babble on Facebook. It’s all pointless, and your frustration rises. The world outside starts to look shit. You start getting snappy. Throwing unwarranted spiteful comments around in a vain attempt to encite emotion.
But then it stops. Doesn’t go away, but morphs. You’re flat, empty, void. You just don’t give a crap. Everything is boring, meaningless, without reason or purpose. You can’t be bothered with anything. Cooking, caring, talking, parenting. Even thinking seems banal.
The world is just grey, wait no, it’s beige. Plain, uninteresting and without appeal.
You’re not annoyed anymore, no, you just don’t feel anything about anything. And you know exactly that you are feeling like this, but because you don’t care, you do nothing to charge it.
All you want is for the day to be over. Bed is your goal. Sleep is your grail…maybe a drink will help. Maybe ten. Who gives a fuck, as long as tomorrow comes quicker.
………….
Apathy is a horrible beast by its very nature. An insidious creeping state of mind that spirals behind smiling eyes. Dangerous in its capacity to render your convictions and resolve useless. Many a time has apathy been the source of bad decisions, my failed attempts at escapism.
And the only way out I have found is simple but difficult. (ha – a perfect oxymoron for apathy!)
Awareness and acceptance.
Being aware is one thing, and like I said, more often then not you know you’re not feeling right. You know you’re being unreasonable and unfair. You are aware that this isn’t the normal you. But you don’t care.
That’s the simple part. 😂
The hard bit, especially when you are 20ft deep in whogivesashitedness, is to just accept it. Accept that this isn’t you. Accept that this will pass. Be ok with not being ok, and trust that you have come through shit worse than this and bounced back.
That my furry friends is the really bloody hard bit. Because at the time, any kind of positivity is hard to come by. But it can. If you allow it in. It can be as simple as looking in the mirror and saying “fuck it, I’ll have another go tomorrow”. Giving yourself permission to be how you’re feeling. Allowing it to come and go as you know it will.
This was my day today, and I don’t share to fish for sympathy, so please provide none. I share because I know from experience and conversation, that this is very common. We all have days when we just don’t care.
I just want you to know that it’s not weird. You’re not a bad person. You’re not losing it. You’re just a normal person having a “meh” day. That if you need to, you can walk up to that mirror and say “fuck it, tomorrow is another day”.
I did. ✌️